Final Fantasy IV - Zeromus"Cast Meteor now!" FuSoYa shouted toward Golbez. Without hesitation Golbez did as he was instructed. In unison the two mages cast a spell that summoned forth a barrage of meteors, all of which were directed toward the evil Lunarian, Zemus. Though he was agile, he was unable to avoid all of the oncoming attacks. Once one had struck, his body began to collapse under the immense weight and power of the oncoming attack. Soon his body fell, weakened and lifeless. Zemus' body lit up in a flame as the final meteor slammed against him. "It is done." Golbez said as he let out a sigh of relief. He peered over his shoulderFinal Fantasy IV - Zeromus
DreamsThe coffee shop was relatively empty, as was to be expected at three in the morning on a weekday. Only the insane and the nocturnal would consider getting coffee at this time of night. I wasn't quite sure which group I fit in. A few workers strolled behind the counter, occasionally one of them shot me an eerie glance. I let out a sigh as I looked out the window, to my surprise it began to rain. "She isn't coming," I thought to myself as I turned back to my semi warm cup of hot chocolate. I hated coffee, but I loved coffee shops, strange how that works out. "Sorry I'm late!" a feminine voice shouted from the far sDreams
I gave you a critiique on The Three Musketeers and I have to say, of the three it was my favorite.
The problem I noticed in the second pieces I read was an overwhelming sense of word use and spelling mistakes that completely bogged the piece down.
Here is one thing I noticed you did alot of in the other two pieces, “High outter walls provided the castle with protection from outside threats. Deep in the castle...” You don’t have to say the word “castle” so close together, at the beginning of the second sentence you could simply say, “Deep within it’s walls...” then go on with the sentence. You overstate or restate things that are understood quite a bit, when it isn’t necessary. Don’t beat your readers over the head with, “this is who or what I am talking about”. As long as you address the “who and what” within relative proximity of each other (in the same paragraph), it isn’t necessary to restate it over and over again.
There is alot of sentence structure that could use some work. Instead of breaking up your ideas, keep them flowing, by rearranging words or finding different ways to deliver them, such as here: “The dance of the fire was mesmerizing, both soldier’s gazes became fixated on this eerie circle.” You have already established it’s a circle, here is one suggestion on how to re-word the sentence. “The eerie dance of the fire was mesmerizing, causing the soldiers’ gaze to fixate upon it.” You get all the elements in there that you want, yet improve the flow emmensely. I am sure that if you simply took the time to play with alot of the structure and flow of the pieces in this way, you could come up with something all your own that would work well.
You have a fantastic imagination and a good development of a story. You simply need to work on your word use, structure and remember to use a program with spell check - something so simple as spelling errors can go a long way in bogging down an otherwise ex cellant piece of writing.
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At your service.
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